House of Wax
Director: Jaume Collet-Serra
Story: Charles Belden
Screenplay:Chad Hayes
Producer: Joel Silver, Robert Zemeckis
Starring: Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Van Holt, Paris Hilton
MPAA Rating:R
read my spoiler disclaimer



     A half-ass review for a half-ass movie. I had the template for this review all set up, but just realized there was no review written; so here you go...

      Typical teenage horror/slasher flick. A bunch of kids go camping in the middle of nowhere and come across a small town after their car breaks down (of course). The town seems to be deserted except for a creepy old guy at a gas station (this just gets better and better doesn't it?). Eventually they find their way into an old wax museum where even the building itself is made of wax. Cat and mouse games ensue and the usual running and screaming.

      Stupid, stupid, stupid. It's like everything else we've already seen a million times. The big draw for this film was of course the teenage obsession with Paris Hilton and to see how she acts. [SPOILER - rest of paragraph] Of course her acting is horrible, although in a slasher flick the standard isn't set too high and she does fine. Seeing her head impaled by a giant metal pole is worth the $8 alone. As an added bonus, she's not carrying around that damn dog in a little pink purse at any point in the movie.

      The only thing I thought was remotely interesting was the whole wax idea. Wax characters are creepy as it is, but to know that they might be made of actual dead people is creepier still. Also, the semi-cool ending of seeing the museum literally begin to melt. The rest? Garbage.

      Sorry if this review was one big spoiler, but sorry - the film itself is one big spoiler. It's cliche, unoriginal and retarded (did I mention it's a remake of an old Vincent Price film?). You'll know what's about to happen a month before you even walk into the theater or pop in the DVD. The same story (aside from the wax part) has been done over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
Steer clear of this roadside attraction.



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drewbacca@moviepatron.com